One particularly memorable phone call:
Me: Hi, you’ve reached XXXXXXXX Bank. This is Raquel – how can I help you?
Strange Man: Hi, this is *who the hell remembers*. I’m not a customer of yours, but I need you to help me today.
Me: Sure. What can I do for you?
Strange Man: See, I think you’ve been talking to a friend of mine this morning, and I need to help her out, no matter what it takes. Now, I’ve got to get her out of the country tomorrow morning, do you understand? It’s super important.
Me: (looks around for the hidden cameras)
Strange Man: Are you there?
Me: Yes. What is it that you’d like me to do, exactly…?
Strange Man: It’s Platinum. You talked to her earlier this morning?
Me: (silent as I rack my brain for who on earth Platinum is…then it dawns on me that it’s one of our regulars who works the pole and brings in illustrious amounts of cash each week. I am suddenly thankful she used her signature hair color to create her alter-ego, so I could easily figure out who this man – obviously a close, personal friend of hers, natch – is referring to.)
Strange Man: Anyway, she lost her keys last night in the parking lot of Applebee’s when I took her out for drinks after her last performance, and both her safe deposit box keys were on there. And she needs to get into her safe deposit box TODAY, you see?
Strange Man: See, I have to get her out of the country TOMORROW, mmkay? I need to take Platinum to Europe to show her around, you dig, and she ain’t gonna be able to grab a flight without that passport.
Me: Okay. I do remember talking to… (say her stripper name, not her real name! say her stripper name, NOT her real name) …Platinum this morning. I DID put in a call for our locksmithing company to come out, and it may be this afternoon, but I haven’t heard back yet to confirm anything.
Strange Man: Well, that may just be unacceptable. If I have a friend who is a locksmith and can get into her safe deposit box; can he come in? I’ll be happy to call him right now. In fact, let’s do that.
Me: We can’t do that for security reasons, you understand. We have to always use the same locksmith for these safe deposit boxes, as a financial institution controlled by various regulatory agencies and laws. (quickly adds) Unfortunately!
Strange Man: Well, that ain’t gonna help Platinum and me, now, is it?
Strange Man: So listen, little girlie. What can we do to get this lock-busting expedited? Can I bring in my own tools and do it?
Strange Man: Or do you have this company’s number? This is real important to me, miss. I cain’t postpone this trip, now, and I’ve gotta have Platinum by my side for a real good time. (sound of what I imagine to be him spitting chewing tobacco into a red solo cup) You hear me?
Me: (vomiting in my mouth a little) I will be very happy to give them a call again immediately, sir, and see if I can’t get a response as soon as possible.
Strange Man: That’d be just great. If not, let me know and I’ll be happy to come up there myself with my toolbox.
Me: That will NOT be necessary.
Epilogue: The “man” called several more times, I was finally able to get the locksmith out under “emergency” conditions, and the stripper got her passport (and her extra money on the side, I sincerely hope). I spent the rest of the afternoon imagining the potential stage names for her other stripper friends who banked with us.
Epilogue, part two: She eventually moved away to a nearby city (NOT Los Angeles, which is probably a shocker) where she said she was getting started in film. I did NOT ASK what kind of film. And while I still remember her real first name (hint: it’s belonged to someone of English royal lineage), I have no idea what her last name was, so I can’t cheat and look on IMDB for a hint. Or whatever site you’d use for porn.
Epilogue, part three: If that filmography site does not exist yet, DIBS.